How Criticism, Control, and Complaining Harm Mental Health—And What Science Says You Can Do About It
Everyone has moments when they feel frustrated, disappointed, or overwhelmed. Sometimes, these feelings show up as being critical—of ourselves or others—trying to control situations, or falling into patterns of complaining. While these responses are common, they can have a profound impact on our mental health and relationships. Let’s explore what neuroscience reveals about why we engage in these behaviors, how they affect us, and how we can break free.
Criticism, Control, and Complaining: What Are They?
Criticism is the habit of focusing on flaws—either in ourselves or others. It often involves harsh self-talk, judgment, or pointing out what we believe is wrong.
Control is the urge to manage or dictate outcomes, people, or situations—often beyond what is realistically possible. It’s the feeling that we must “make” things go a certain way to feel okay.
Complaining is the repeated expression of dissatisfaction or frustration, either aloud or internally. It can become a default way of relating to challenges, rather than seeking solutions or acceptance.
These behaviors can become self-reinforcing cycles that not only sap our energy but also keep us stuck in negativity and stress.
The Neuroscience of Negativity
Our brains are naturally tuned to notice problems—a phenomenon known as the negativity bias. This evolved to keep us safe from threats, but in modern life, it can backfire. When we repeatedly criticize, control, or complain, we strengthen neural pathways associated with negative thinking. Over time, these pathways become our brain’s “go-to” routes, making it easier to fall into these habits and harder to experience contentment or joy.
The Stress Response:
When we engage in these behaviors, our brain’s amygdala (the alarm center) perceives threat or danger, activating the fight-or-flight response. Stress hormones like cortisol surge, preparing us for action—but when this state is chronic, it leads to anxiety, irritability, sleep issues, and even physical health problems.
Neuroplasticity: What You Practice, Grows Stronger:
Repeatedly practicing criticism, control, or complaining wires the brain for more of the same. But the good news is, with awareness and practice, we can rewire our brains for more adaptive, positive habits.
Why Do We Try to Control Things Outside Ourselves?
At the root of controlling behavior is a basic human need: safety. Our nervous system craves predictability. When life feels uncertain or overwhelming, our brains try to regain a sense of safety by controlling our environment, people, or outcomes.
External Dependency and Tethering:
Often, our sense of safety or self-worth becomes dependent on external circumstances: our job status, others’ opinions, relationships, or outcomes we can’t truly control. This is called having an “external locus of control.” When we are “tethered” to the outside world for our sense of security, we feel perpetually at risk—because the outside world is ALWAYS changing.
If our self-esteem hinges on others’ approval, criticism or rejection can feel devastating.
If we believe we must control everything to feel safe, we become anxious, rigid, or burnt out.
When things don’t go as planned, we feel destabilized or threatened.
The Cost of External Control:
Research shows that people with a strong external locus of control are more prone to stress, anxiety, and depression. Their sense of well-being is constantly at the mercy of factors beyond their control, keeping the brain’s stress circuits activated.
The Emotional and Social Toll
Strained Relationships: Criticism, controlling behavior, and complaining can erode trust and intimacy, making others feel defensive or distant.
Lowered Resilience: Focusing on what’s wrong diminishes our sense of agency and hope, making it harder to recover from setbacks.
Negative Self-Image: Self-criticism increases shame and low self-esteem; outward criticism and complaining can lead to guilt and disconnection.
Breaking the Cycle: Science-Based Strategies
1. Shift Toward Internal Safety
Cultivate an “internal locus of control”—the belief that, while we can’t control everything, we can choose our responses, set healthy boundaries, and nurture our own sense of safety. Mindfulness, self-compassion, and therapy are powerful tools for building this inner foundation. Safety has to be secured from within; otherwise, this can fluctuate with the outside world.
2. Mindfulness and Cognitive Reframing
Practices like mindfulness meditation help us become aware of our thoughts and feelings without judgment. Cognitive-behavioral strategies can help us challenge and reframe negative thinking, reducing its hold on us.
3. Gratitude and Positive Psychology
Regularly practicing gratitude rewires the brain for positivity, increasing the release of dopamine and serotonin—the brain’s “feel-good” chemicals. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems, but balancing them with appreciation for what is working.
4. Compassionate Communication
Replace criticism with curiosity and empathy. Approaches like Nonviolent Communication (NVC) help us express needs and feelings without blame, improving relationships and reducing stress. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you might say, “I feel unheard and need more support.” This approach encourages understanding, strengthens relationships, and lowers stress.
In Conclusion
Criticism, control, and complaining are understandable responses to stress and uncertainty, but over time, they harm our mental health and relationships. By understanding their roots in our brain’s wiring and our need for safety, we can begin to untether ourselves from external dependencies and cultivate a sense of internal security and resilience. Science shows that with intention and practice, we can rewire our brains for more adaptive, fulfilling ways of living.
Want to break free from these patterns and build a healthier relationship with yourself and others?
Psychotherapy offers a safe, supportive space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with the guidance of a trained professional. Through therapy, you can:
Gain deeper self-understanding and insight into the roots of your patterns
Learn practical tools to manage stress, anxiety, and negative thinking
Improve your relationships by developing healthier ways to communicate and connect
Build resilience and self-compassion, helping you respond to life’s challenges with greater confidence
Strengthen your sense of inner security, so you feel less dependent on outside circumstances for your well-being
If you’re ready to make positive changes in your life, our practice is here to support you with evidence-based approaches tailored to your needs. Contact us today to learn more or schedule an appointment. Taking the first step can lead to lasting growth and a healthier, more fulfilling life.
This article was produced with the assistance of artificial intelligence, enhancing our commitment to delivering insightful content.
